We are having breakfast... I leave to go to the kitchen, to fetch some tea. When I come back, Cooldude is sitting on the sofa, with a very sullen face.
- Voro threw me out of my place! - he complains.
- Well - i say calmly, glancing at Voro, who is serenely picking bran flakes out of his brother's bowl. - You are big, so much bigger, don't let him do it. Pick him up and put him on the floor.I turn to Voro and say to him loud enough for everybody to hear:
- This was your brother's chair. You should not throw your brother out of his place.
Cooldude is sitting motionless. I hold my hand out to him: Come, I will give you a hand, we will reclaim your place together. But he does not grab a hold of my hand, he does not react. This seemed so easy to fix, looking at it from the perspective a mature emotionality. Yet there is no dialogue, no attempt to fix the problem, with my help or alone, on his part.
He just sulks there on the sofa, looking at me with the eyes of a hurt animal.
WHAT would YOU do??
( I believe in the end he was sitting on my lap... but I do not remember how we got there.)
I do not know what I would do in that particular situation, but I do remember that when our second son was born, we worked from the start to let the eldest know that he was not excluded because of his brother. Even their first encounter was an interesting one: the eldest was clearly a little bit scared of the weird looking creature being referred to as his brother. He had been neither excited nor troubled by the impending arrival-- he knew nothing about what it meant for there to be a new baby. So when the first meeting started quietly, I took the hand of the newborn and lifted it and made a little voice and exclaimed, "Hello, [brother's name]!" The eldest laughed and laughed and from then on adored and looked after the younger one.
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, I still took care to make sure No.1 still felt important: when I was talking with him and his brother would indicate a need to feed, I would call out to the youngest that he would have to wait because I was busy with his elder brother. So, just as the elder one would sometimes have to wait while I fed the younger, he also knew that when I was tending to his needs, the little brother would have to be patient. Did the approach work? Sort of.
For the most part, they are immensely close and look out for one another, and if one is given something (even if in school or on a solo trip out), the other will always ask for a second "for my brother." Still, now that they are older there are moments when one feels put out by the other. Rivalry does rear its ugly head. We have to let them get on with it...to a degree. Sometimes we have to remind them how much they love one another. Sometimes it is necessary to remind them (each needs reminding) that his brother sometimes needs a little bit of special care because he's feeling out of sorts.
Maybe this is the answer: think about what is going on, if things may be generally difficult, and show the elder one that you are actually telling off the younger one! It doesn't matter who understands what-- sometimes what is said, and the priority given to the eldest when needed, can be enough.
If this was long winded generally (about the very early dealings between older and new sibling) it's because the little "Hello!..." greeting and general attempt to maintain a sense of priority for the first one might just work for someone else whose child is not quite sure what to think of the new arrival.
Hi there, I love the description of their first meeting! I think you described really well how an older child sees a newborn baby: the eldest was clearly a little bit scared of the weird looking creature being referred to as his brother:
ReplyDeleteThis was precisely the case in our family as well. We pampered the older one a great deal in that initial period (I made Cooldude a golden medal that said Big Brother the night after I gave birth), and always made them feel that having a brother is something special. The thing is, they have a wonderfully loving relationship for most of the time. It seems that if CD feels weak, be it a physical or psychological state, then he perceives the whole world turn "so unjustly" against him...
I almost wonder if it is an age thing, or a transition thing. We see something similar from time to time. I just want to jump up and down (or do a Homer Simpson throttle) and say, "why!?" I know enough not to expect reason, but oh, how can boys so lovely and so loving turn against each other so easily and over what seem to us to be petty matters? Stern patience an answer?
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